Yeah yeah. Laugh it up, wiseass

Yeah yeah. Laugh it up, wiseass

My track record with cars isn’t that great. I basically know nish all about them in the first place, so I can’t do that whole hanging-around-talking-about-spark-plugs thing that other men do. I’m only interested in 2 factors when I buy a car: cost and reliability. Frankly, this is all A Good Job, as I have an alarming predilection for driving into other road users and stationary objects.

I’m also unlucky.

Last year, I was driving home down the motorway minding my own business with my headphones in, listening to Slade like all the trendy kids do when I noticed the road noise suddenly shoot up. Pulling my ear plugs out, I looked around – wondering if a window had come open or something. Nothing. And then…. I looked up.

No sunroof?

Yep. The sunroof had somehow blown away, leaving nothing behind but a hole and a majestic view of the heavens . Heart in mouth, I looked in my rear view mirrors and saw nothing but an empty road behind me. To this day, I have no real idea what happened to my sunroof. For all I know, some motorcyclist still has it embedded in his forehead.

Naturally, an insurance claim followed. In the 4 days that I had the courtesy car, some dick pranged it in a carpark or something before driving merrily away. I had to claim again. This is how I was presented with an insurance quote for £1200 for my £4000 Yaris earlier this year. Thank god that I – like those morons who filmed themselves to be on the advert – could save money using confused.com.

Anyway, last night saw me leaving work early. I had to pick the kids up and get home because Tesco were delivering the shopping between 6 and 8. Naturally, the A1 was scene to a 9 car pile-up and I arrived at the childminder’s, sweating and panicking at 6:05. As my three year old son writhed and screamed at the horrific injustice of me not having any sweets about me when I picked him up, I drove down the road knowing that Tesco would choose this as the day they arrived at 6.

Sure enough, the dude was getting back in his van outside my house. I could see him shaking his head. Hands clammily on the wheel, I sped towards my destination, heart yammering in my mouth, flashing him madly. “Please,” I mouthed at him through my window “I’m here – notice me!”

I was still looking to see if he had seen me as I pulled into the drive. That could be why I was a few feet off in my steering. The gatepost made mincemeat of the off side door as I came to sweaty stop, Josh helpfully pointing out that “you’ve crashed, Daddy.”

Still – at least I got the shopping.