During the election, I windily lectured anyone within earshot about how, why and where things were going wrong and how it should be fixed. Despite my omniscience and extensive background in sketching out public policy in a shouty and drunken stew, I was overlooked during the creation of The Coalition of the Willing that is, even as we speak, probably making things even fucking worse.
So while it is a few weeks late to make any difference for this Election, here is my manifesto for the next one. I humbly submit it to you as a manifesto for real change… for a fairer Britain. A Britain where everyone has a stake (other than the Scots, the Home Counties, Warringtonians and East Anglians – see details below).
Employment & National Prestige
We desperately need bragging rights on the world stage, and all the Milibands in the world and attendant tiny windmills to generate power for our houses just isn’t going to cut it. What we need is something dramatic and a reminder that Britain is not somewhere to fuck with – and what could be more dramatic than the world’s biggest hole? The current holder (the Mirny Diamond Mine) is 4000ft wide and 1700ft deep, which is quite impressive but I think that Britain – a nation of hole diggers – could do much better.
Now, everyone knows that unemployment is a problem of the North so logically we should dig the hole in the North to solve this problem. Siting it might be difficult, but I figure that no-one would really miss Warrington and that Warrington should therefore by sacrificed to make way for this Glorious Endeavour. I’m pretty sure Manchester’s city fathers would be boasting that Manchester is the “home of holes” before too long, leading to an upsurge in tourism revenue.
But what to do with the rocks?
It’s abundantly clear by now that the Scots don’t care for the English. Alex Salmon’s forever on the telly painted in woad and complaining about London and history and England and stuff. As he is the King of Scotland (I think) so we should recognise his demands and let Scotland go it alone. I am not a dictator.
But history teaches us that when the Scots are left to their own devices they invariably invade England so it stands to reason that we should use the rocks from our giant hole to build a wall to keep them out.
Foreign Policy and Defence
Britain’s primary enemy is, as any fule kno, France. The first thing we must do is widen the channel as twenty miles is no kind of barrier against an enemy as insidious as The French – especially with their webbed feet and semi-aquatic lifestyle. Under my proposals, we should place nuclear weapons underneath the home counties - which I vaguely assume are around the South coast somewhere – and detonate them. Not only will this increase the width of the channel (providing a handier bulwark against the French) but will also solve the South East’s overcrowding issues at a stroke [HT: Lex Luthor]
I also pledge to fill the Chunnel with monsters.
As an island race, we owe our allegiance not to the skies but the seas. For too long we have neglected our watery overlords in favour of the false sky gods foisted on us by the Pope and kept alive by his elaborately-hatted minions. In return, they tried to blow up our Queen.
But no more! The sea gods are wrathful and must be sated. For centuries we have taken from them and it can be no coincidence that as our knowledge of drainage has improved, Norfolk has grown in size. It is also no coincidence that our Empire has diminished in exact correlation to that growth.
My proposal is simple: we fill in the drainage channels, flatten the sea defences and return Norfolk to the sea where she belongs. Perhaps too late to sate the revenging armies of the merfolk, but a step in the right direction and notice that no more shall we be rent asunder from our diluvian brethren.
The teaching of drainage and sea defence will be outlawed, it will be a criminal offense to knowingly aid or abet drainage or to publically espouse views that glorify irrigation.
- The Hovercraft
- Establishment of Quantanamo style facility for processing ‘civil enforcement officers’ (nee: traffic wardens)
Europe – A 7 Stage Plan
Europe was something that was widely ignored during the last election but if history teaches us one thing, it’s that the Germans are even now dusting off the Schlieffen plan and plotting once more to cover the Earth in a second darkness in concert with their dastardly allies The French. My policy is one of divide and rule. By pitting our enemies against each other we can regain our Empire and bring light and justice to this world. Details remain to be worked out, but our draft policy runs thus:
- Greece invented the triangle and thence are ultimately responsible for the Dairylea cheese triangle.
- We point this out to the French who, with their massive cheese snobbery, will be unable to resist making mumbly gallic noises of disapproval and waving their arms about excitedly outside their famed pavement cafes.
- We point out to the Germans that these pavement cafes and arm-waving antics obstruct the legal concourse of people along the pavement and thus inspire them to march down the Champs De Leesay to restore proper order.
- The resulting surge in demand for leather jackboots causes the destruction of Spain‘s bull-based economy leaving matadors to fight lesser animals such as the buffalo.
- As buffalos become more scarce, the Italians‘ insatiable lust for buffalo mozzarella goes unfilled – ultimately causing a surge in the price of Pizzas.
- With Dr. Oetker no longer able to make exceedingly cheap pizzas, Europe turns to proper foodstuffs such as The Great British Sandwich and the German economy collapses
- Europe is ruined once and for all and enabling us to reclaim Normandy and Britney as British Colonies - just as Poseidon intended.
Basically, fuck the dolphins. If they want to live in our world then they should have evolved opposable thumbs like everyone else. Also: how can there be such a thing as ‘dolphin friendly tuna’ when all they eat is fucking tuna? That’s like having ‘Michell McManus friendly pies’.
The National Debt
We owe more than we can ever hope to pay off so we should instigate a program of printing vast sums of money which we can then lend to ourselves by buying our own debts in order to… err.. pay off our debts by selling them back to ourselves at a profit later on. Oh, hang on – steady as she goes then.
Vote Carpenter in 2015!