If you thought you had problems when you’re taking sideways glances at the urinals you get a real insight into the soul of the people who own cruise lines when you contemplate the behemoths they’re unleashing on the oceans these days. Every other year, P&O or Cunard or someone thinks: “hey – what if we built an even bigger boat? Make it so,” and cackling minions spring out from behind their throne to say “yes Sire” and order the orcs of Isengard to work twice as hard to realise their mad ambition.

This is this year’s entry.

The Oasis of the Seas Cruise Ship

Holy fucking Christ

This monster weighs 225000 tonnes! That’s more than the weight of 20,000 African elephants… 5 Titanics… 16 Rik Wallers. It’s 1,180 feet long! It has 2000 crew! A park… climbing wall… 4 swimming pools… a golf course… and can house 6000 fat people in loud shirts conversing over elaborate cocktails at any one time.

I’ve got mate who works on cruise ships. He tends to work on the pissant little boats that pootle around the Med, playing foxtrots to people who are near to death. That’s no joke: cruise ships over a certain size actually have an on-board morgue to cater for people who die during the voyage. Apparently, there’s a whole class of people who decide “fuck the kids” and sell their houses so they can spend the last few years of their lives floating around in a giant piece of metal spending the inheritance money on prawn cocktails. And then they die and get the ultimate private cabin.

The Oasis of the Seas cruise ship launches on the 30th November.