Well at fucking last we have some proper, proper snow. Seriously, I’ve been waiting for this since 1981 – which is still the kind of mental benchmark I. Here’s some observations.

  • It is snowing, but you can still drive more than 8mph.
    Honda Civics look like a visitation from the future (or a large Nike) but among their owners are an alarming ly high proportion of utter, utter fannies. The road down to the motorway this morning was pretty bad, sure… but 8 miles an hour?? Come on people!! I could push you faster than that.
  • Thanks for the signage!
    Those big lit-up signs over the motorway on gantries are total gash, aren’t they? They’re forever telling me to drive safely or that there’e cattle, debris or pedestrians in the road when there never is (seriously, the people who write the messages are tripping or something). Today saw them reach new heights of redundancy as I barrelled along a  motorway reduced to a single lane at the heart-stopping speed of 35 mph while they constantly pointed out to me “SNOW: DRIVE SLOWLY.” Thanks, dickheads. Seriously though, they’re always poking around in my bin to tell me how much cardboard I should be using and they’ve spent all my money and about 8 million carbon credits on these fucking devices that Have. No. Purpose.
  • The weather forecast is so many dog turds with fancy graphics
    • Sunday: check 5 day forecast. Clear Monday, ‘light snow’ for Tuesday and Wednesday.
    • Sunday night: check 5 day forecast. Clear all week.
    • Monday: check 5 day forecast. Light snow for Tuesday
    • Monday night: listen to Met Office forecast on Radio 4. “Sleet, rain and some snow spreading South. A couple of  inches on high ground”
    • Tuesday morning: The Arctic circle moves overnight to South of Wakefield. CGI wolves chase Donnie Darko through the streets of Leeds.

    Seriously, they expect me to believe their forecast for the next 100 years??? They’re always saying that ‘weather isn’t climate’ and shit but really, if you can’t predict 24 hours in advance in a small geographical region, with static conditions, realtime satellite data, hundreds of years of historical data and the World’s Biggest Computer on the job then you’ll forgive me if I snort when you claim to know that in 20 years I’ll need to take malaria tablets and bulk buy sunscreen from Costco. And yet… and yet… the Chief Dickhead now earns more than Gordon Brown thanks to a 25% pay rise this year.

  • SNOW RULES!
    I’m not even going to expand on that. You know it’s true.