Nobody's Listening

I’ve kidnapped a boy. And if I hear one more fucking comment about Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2 I swear the kid gets it.

Look: gaming was perfected 20 odd years ago with the Atari 2600. I know you think you’re cool because you can join a “team” and “play online” and shit but really you’re barking up the wrong tree. The Atari had a wood veneer finish. You know what else has a wood veneer finish? A Rolls fuckin’ Royce. What’s your xbox got – plastic? That spells N.I.S.S.A.N. You think 50 Cent would brag about driving a Nissan in one of his ‘rap’ songs?

Anyway, it what is sure to become yet another scintillatingly successful post, here’s my guide to playing Combat on the Atari 2600.

Tanks: No Maze

Just you and the other guy. Mano e mano.

This is combat at its rawest. Tanks are the most potent symbol of modern warfare. Fast, heavily armoured and highly mobile, they take down a motherfucker sha’moan – bringing mass destruction into any theatre of operation. The Atari version of tanks pits war machine against war machine. It’s just you and the other guy – no bullshit,no gimmicks.

The first thing to note is that your gun is a teensy bit underpowered. Real tanks can fire projectiles for many miles, wreaking havoc on enemy positions. Atari knew that would make for a boring game, so the tanks here have a range more like 30 feet or so. Have you got the balls to ee the whites of their eyes before you shoot? Also, real tanks shift at like 60 mph or something, whereas these have a more meandering kind of pace and have a maximum of 6 positions from which they can fire.

Strategy tips

1. Drive up to the other guy and shoot him from any one of 6 possible angles.

Tanks: Maze

Urban warfare, as foreseen by Atari

Tanks out in the open is visceral and immediate. That’s cool for the bangers and shouters and sound system joyriders, but what about the more strategically minded gamer? Much of modern warfare happens in an urban setting against insurgents. That means the modern tank commander has to understand how to use terrain to his advantage.

Atari saw this coming years before Paul Riper. Hence… the maze.

There are two different levels of maze – the simple one (screenshotted here) and more complex one. I like to think that more simple one represents a slightly backward city like Bradford, while the more complex maze is somewhere like New York.

Strategy tips

1. Drive around the maze until you’re close to the other guy and shoot him

Tanks: Maze, Bouncy Projectiles

Science fact has caught up with science fiction in so many ways. In our lifetime we’ve already seen the internet, the Pot Noodle and the Fleshlight become gooey reality. Atari’s game designers were more far-sighted than such nonsense. Having foreseen that the future theatre of warfare would be urban, they took a bold step to imagine how a future army would cope in such a setting. Buildings serve to obstruct visibility, manouverability and the general effectiveness of heavy weaponry.

The only logical solution? Bouncy projectiles.

Yep, as long ago as 1981 Atari knew that future armies would need to be able to bounce their bullets off walls to deal with combat situations. Ever aware of the need to keep the game gritty and real, the kicker is that you can shoot yourself.

Strategy tips

1. The angle of incidence is the same as the angle of reflection.

Tanks: Invisible

Get out of THAT

Yep. You heard it here first. Invisible tanks.

Invisible.

Tanks.

We’re deep into the realm of the future here: current technology does not allow for you to flick a switch and turn your 60 tonne metal monster invisible. Instead, you have to paint it green if you’re in the jungle, light brown if you’re in the desert, and pink if you’re in Soho. That’s just the way shit breaks down.

The beauty of games is that you can bypass realism in favour of delivering hits of pure gaming adrenalin. Atari know that better than anyone, which is why they’re kings of the console industry.

In this version of the game, you must stalk your victim unseen. The only clue to his whereabouts coming when he fires and you can see the ‘muzzle flare’… this is gaming at its tensest.

Strategy tips

1. Drive around and hope you’re near to – and pointing at – the other guy when he fires

Planes

I was going carry on with all this spiel for the planes part of the game but it’s all much of a muchness, strategy-wise. Here’s some screenshots – use your imagination….

We happened to see a MiG 28 do a 4g negative dive

"You two clowns are going to Top Gun"

Hell yeah - BIPLANES. And, as if that wasn't excitement enough... clouds

Biplanes vs. Bomber