EXCLUSIVE! The Ken Bates Algorithm

So Leeds have sold Johnny Howson. Christ. After some research carried out by members of LULZSEC, I can reveal that the club is run by a simple algorithm.

$batesmotelcomplete = false;
$batesmotelcost = "4500000";
$fanhappiness = 100;

$players = array("howson","becchio","kisnorbo","rachubka","lonergan","taylor,"cairns","connolly","bruce","O'Brien","Lees","Bromb
y","White","O'Dea","Varynen","Brown","Lloyd Sam","Clayton","Pugh","Townsend","Nunez","Forssell","Snodgrass","Somma","McCormack");

$buyers = array("Norwich","Ipswich","Leicester","Grimsby","Accrington Stanley","Rushden and Diamonds","Farsley Celtic")

function pickaclubanyclub($array)
	{
	$club = array_rand($buyers,1);
	return $club;
	}

function sell($player,$buyer)
	{
	if($player && $buyer)
		{
		$value = "Hardly seems to matter";
		return $value;
		}
	}

function firemanager($name)
	{
	mysql_query("delete * from lufc_staff where name='$name' and position=='manager'");
	}

while($i=0;$i< $batesmotelcost:$i++)
	{
	foreach($players as $player)
		{
		$buyer = pickaclubanyclub($buyers);
		$price = sell($player,$buyer);
		$i = $i + $price;
		}
	$fanhappiness --;
	if($fanhappiness <= 20)
		{
		firemanager("Simon Grayson");
		echo "Leeds fans are a bunch of ungrateful cunts - without me they'd be in the second division. Oh.";
		$hidein = "Cayman Islands";
		$stroke = "Beard";
		}
	}