Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 is said by critics to be better than unhinged sex with Salma Hayek, a nude onlooker from the Ministry of Kink and 4 gallons of black treacle. Unparalleled in its depiction of modern theatres of war, it brings together bleeding edge graphics with supreme playability and, oh I don’t know, a virtual dildo or something.
Level 1: Hunslet, Leeds
This level sees you as part of a marine detachment parachuted into the notorious Hunslet district of Leeds, on the South side of the city. Playing as Lt. Waylon Corbusier, you must lead your squad in a daring daytime raid on the Penny Hill Morrisons, where you will face the elite corps of disinterested, waxy toughs who push the trollies around their carpark in high vis jackets talking about all the drugs they’re planning to take that weekend and the mods they’ve just made to their 1997 Vauxhall Corsas.
- When the gangly youth calls you a “wanker” for parking your M1 Abrams tank car in the mum and toddler spot, don’t take him down – it’s a diversion. Instead, look to your left. Behind a Renault Megane, his mate is taking a film of you to put on YouTube saying “this is fooking cool like”. Headshot him and move on to the main entrance.
- In the veg aisle, reduced items can be identified by their yellow stickers
- The ‘pie shop’ is excellent, and you can fill up on supplies for your unit here. Steak and kidney pies also double up as an ad-hoc projectile.
- The store manager is not in his office when you originally attack as this is his day off. Staff will alert him but he lives 30 miles away in Wetherby. Set up a base of covering fire and wait for his arrival. He will enter by the main entrance looking confused and asking to see customer services manager Brenda Whitehouse. Take him down with RPGs and call for helicopter back up to effect your escape.
- Are available in store from February onwards – mainly through a display where the gardening stuff is rather than, as you might expect, the sweets and chocolate aisle. Go figure.
Level 4: Szczecin, Poland
Level 4 has already attracted attention for its supposed ‘racism’. The game’s makers defend this section by saying you can skip this level altogether without affecting your rating, and taking part in anything you see is entirely up to you. In effect, ou can play through without doing anything evil at all. In this section of the game, you play the part of Obengruppenfuhrer Oberst Herr Helmut Wankel, a member of an elite SS unit posted to a Polish town close to the Russian front. It is 1944 and the elite Red Army is expected to sweep through this district within a week or two. Despite continual occupation for over 3 years, it is rumoured that there are still jews and elite gays and shit hiding out in the town, and your job is to clean up this problem.
- Jews are attracted to bright lights. In the warehouse immediately left when you first enter the map is a high-powered ion lamp. Rigging this up on a telegraph pole will attract the jews from their hiding places and you can wipe out pretty much all of them in a single go* – although you’ll miss out some cool gameplay if you do this.
- One of your comrades is actually a fucking gay. This is a hidden feature of the game, but you can unlock the 9lb field gun three levels early if you spot a fellow stormtrooper walking with an exaggerated, mincing gait and crying “oooo Helmut!” every time you make kill.
- Although not every with a big nose is Jewish, and not all Jews have big noses, you might as well kill every other fucker in the town because it’s funny to hear them pleading for their lives and the lives of their children.
- Remember: this is all optional.
Level 112: Whitehall
In this level, you play General Sir Richard Ironingtrouser, a former commander of British troops in Helmand province, Afghanistan. Now posted to the notorious Whitehall district of London, you must defend the purpose, strategy and conduct of the war against crack troops from Fleet Street’s elite Murdoch Division.
- When asked about the lack of helicopter support for our Brave Boys™, say that “lessons have been learnt from the report and changes already made” and quickly make a surreptitious phone call for someone to send over anything that might pass as a helicopter. Like a Cessna with some cardboard rotor blades stuck on the top.
- When asked why we’re ‘fighting for the safety of the streets of Britain’ bloody miles away from Britain, mumble something about “nation building” or corruption or Al Qaeda or some shit.
- Never, ever admit that every element of ‘our’ strategy is actually being determined in Washington by a man with a much bigger, squarer jawline than you
- When wanking yourself off in a cupboard with an orange in your mouth and your wife’s underwear on, remember not to put a plastic bag over your head
- If you leave the room to do something more constructive like have a wank or a bath or something, leave the console on. Eventually you will hear a quiet sobbing from the machine, growing in volume and interspersed with whispered pleadings that reach a crescendo of white noise and unintelligible screaming until you go back to sitting in front of it in your underpants with a depthless eyes bereft of human feeling pretending to kill people for fun.
*source: CIA World Factbook