Until the advent of such determinedly minimalistic bands like the White Stripes or the Black Keys, it was taken as read that every band needed at least the following components:
- 1 x singer (good haircut, spiky confrontational attitude)
- 1 x drummer (silly)
- 1 x guitarist (cool, excitable)
- 1 x bassist (a what?)
The equipment needed to sing comes as standard with most plain old human bodies. You have lungs and a throat, so you’re good to go (if not: go see a doctor, pronto!) Consequently, singers are ten-a-penny. But! Singers also have to stand at the front of the stage, and whereas most people might not be able to hear a duff guitar note or two they can normally identify a tone deaf frontman. The things that differentiate singers are mouthiness, general spikey confrontationalness and trouser width.
Guitars also come quite cheaply and hold the position of ‘coolest instrument.’ Whilst lute players have their niche, and banjo players are never short of a gig (probably) guitarists too are common as muck so a band can take their pick according to what kind of thing they like. In a competitive marketplace, this forces guitarists – perhaps more than any other group of musician – to take an interest in things like clothes and hair. When choosing a guitarist, the first thing a self-respecting band looks for is ‘the look.’ Remember: you’ve formed a band to get a shag, so even if you’re desperately uncool, surrounding yourself with cool people gives you some degree of cool by proxy (hence nerd cool) and exponentially increases the chances of you attaining your ends.
Bassists and drummers on the other hand, have the upper hand. Drummers in particular can almost take their pick as to what band they are in. A drummer who has his own kit and a car big enough to transport it in is proportionally worth more than platinum or uranium or even a picture of Christina Aquilera’s fanny.
The reasons for this are diverse. Bassists are the poor relation of guitarists. Scientifically, the facts are these: Ned’s Atomic Dustbin had two bassists, Sting is a bassist, basses only have four strings (unless you’re a jazz wanker) and The White Stripes can do without a bassist altogether. From this, we can deduce the following:
(n – b) = c
Where ‘n’ is a band, ‘b’ is a bassist, and ‘c’ is coolness.
Of course that’s lots of arse. Bands need bass. It’s those low frequencies that give bottom to the sound of a band and stop you sounding like a tinny mess. However, most people couldn’t even name a bassist outside of maybe Macca and Sting, so the bassist has a low profile next to the guitarist, regardless of how cool and worthy he or she may be.
Drummers are literally priceless. Drums are an expensive piece of kit. Drums are hard to play. Drums are massively bulky. Drummers sit at the back of the stage. Everyone jokes about drummers. The only drummer most people can name made a second living as the voice of Thomas the Tank Engine. It therefore takes a certain degree of madness to take up percussive duties and this thins out the number of good, available drummers alarmingly.
This lies at the root of the 5th, 6th and 7th immutable laws of rock
Drummers might be stupid in the main, but they also know that they are in enormous demand. This gives them a certain degree of latitude in their behaviour. If a drummer wants to turn up late to gigs, covered in feathers and reeking of piss, no-one’s going to stop him. If a drummer wants to change the structure of a song you’d better listen up or else you’ll find him making every song into a waltz. Drummers are wayward, powerful things and not be lightly trifled with. Kind of like tidal bores but with sticks.
Anyway, together the bassist and drummer form the Rhythm Section, and it is this that will make or break your band. Even if you have a gobby singer and achingly cool guitar-slinger, a shit bassist and drummer will ruin the whole effect. It can be no coincidence that the first instrument that scientists managed to emulate in programmable format was the drum. The bass cannot be far behind.
Here endeth today’s lesson.