- US healthcare reforms. I don’t care – I’m not in the USA. I don’t plan on being in the USA. So who gives a crap if they can’t get free heart operations. They could have a life expectancy of 110 – it still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t own a car.
- Premature conker retrieval - conker season is still a week or two away. Stop knocking them out of the tree early and spoiling it for the rest of us.
- Hentai tentacle rape – when I signed up for the internet, I don’t remember agreeing to see 8 year old girls getting raped by octopodes in cartoon form.
- Steve Jobs’ liver transplant - my grandad had a liver transplant. Big fucking deal. He had a black polo neck too.
- People complaining about people saying “soccer” instead of “football”. OK. We get it. Americans are stupid. Haha.
- People complaining about people complaining about people saying “soccer” instead of “football” – how fucking lame would that be?
- Goths – meh
- David Hasselhoff – was into him years ago. Long, long before he went mainstream. Now? Get off my telly.
- Planet’s Funniest Animals – not as funny as, say, Les Dawson.
- Steve Penk – what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
- Stephen Fry - argument: “nicest man in the world… on Twitter, you know… new series about taxis… new series about animals… new series of QI… really clever…” counter-argument: big, bent nose, Oxbridge
- Lady GaGa – yeah. We get it. You’re sexy. Now fuck off.
- Cheap toilet paper - seriously though, who wants to economise that badly that they’ll withstand poo-fingers?
- People not rating the Beatles – “Hey! Look at me – I’m so contrarian and out there with my crazy opinions. I love McDonald’s though, so don’t go trying to pigeonhole me – I’m waaaay too clever for that.”
- Pierce Brosnan – who’s called Pierce anyway?
- Seas – not as good as oceans and who can even point to them on a map?
- Hypercars – stop rubbing my face in it. At least I’m not stupid enough to have gold taps.
- Gio Compario – shit. Just shit.
- Yahtzee - didn’t understand it 20 years ago. Don’t understand it now.
- Chocolate Rich Tea – not everything goes with chocolate, numbnuts.
- Newsround - no John Craven? Bad but understandable. Endless stream of cutesy stories about surfing cats, lobsters that can do algebra, squirrels on ice? Destroying the backbone of our nation.
- “X is the new Y” – where X=something unlikely and Y= something I don’t care about.
- Myself for writing this list
Apropos of nothing: 23 Things That Boil My Piss
Comments (8)


#1 by David Whitehouse at September 14th, 2009
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Cheap toilet paper also burns your ass and makes it itchy, its just not worth it!
I see you are having a good Monday.
*keeps out of Paul’s way*
#2 by Alexander at September 14th, 2009
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It’s interesting that people who do like the Beatles automatically assume that people who don’t are just trying to be controversial and edgy.
Now, you know me, I love being controversial and edgy, but that’s got nothing to do with me not liking the Fab Four (TM). I don’t like Coldplay either, but expressing this sentiment is somehow culturally acceptable. I don’t think any artist is beyond criticism, and I don’t see why it’s not OK to think the Beatles were overrated.
I’d do one of these lists but the internet isn’t big enough to fit it on.
#3 by Alexander at September 14th, 2009
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Oh yeah and I was not liking the Beatles WAY before all the kids got into it. Bandwagon jumpers.
#4 by Carps at September 14th, 2009
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Ha! I can’t get around that, can I?
I take your point about The Beatles – and I’m no fan of sacred cows myself. I don’t mind people who dislike the Beatles… it’s people who don’t rate The Beatles.
There’s just a particular kind of person who won’t acknowledge that they basically Got There First in almost any sphere you care to name (haircuts, production tricks, drugs, ‘musical differences’, Japanese chicks). I don’t mind fair criticism – or even sheer prejudice – just Those People Who Are Being Cunts About The Whole Thing. Amongst whose number I don’t count you, fortunately for our life as married couple.
Also, Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.
#5 by Paul Evison at September 14th, 2009
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24. People getting it wrong about Derren Brown. The trick is clearly not over yet.
#6 by Carps at September 15th, 2009
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#25 – the way Robert Peston says “is” in the middle of sentence.
Basically, I think Derren owns you, Evison. But that’s OK – he owns me too.
#7 by Paul Evison at September 15th, 2009
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he does providing that lottery trick isn’t over. if that’s it he can go and fuck himself with my incessant evangalising.
#26 Graduates from the University of Bedfordshire (or similar) who can’t find jobs, making the news. Like they somehow deserve one immediatley for being so well educated. Fuck off, and yes I will have fries with that thank you.
#8 by Loxlee at September 29th, 2009
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How can you even think of putting chocolate rich tea’s in that list? The chocolate is only there so that the dunk can last longer without biscuit breakage