1. US healthcare reforms. I don’t care – I’m not in the USA. I don’t plan on being in the USA. So who gives a crap if they can’t get free heart operations. They could have a life expectancy of 110 – it still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t own a car.
  2. Premature conker retrieval - conker season is still a week or two away. Stop knocking them out of the tree early and spoiling it for the rest of us.
  3. Hentai tentacle rape – when I signed up for the internet, I don’t remember agreeing to see 8 year old girls getting raped by octopodes in cartoon form.
  4. Steve Jobs’ liver transplant - my grandad had a liver transplant. Big fucking deal. He had a black polo neck too.
  5. People complaining about people saying “soccer” instead of “football”. OK. We get it. Americans are stupid. Haha.
  6. People complaining about people complaining about people saying “soccer” instead of “football” – how fucking lame would that be?
  7. Goths – meh
  8. David Hasselhoff – was into him years ago. Long, long before he went mainstream. Now? Get off my telly.
  9. Planet’s Funniest Animals – not as funny as, say, Les Dawson.
  10. Steve Penk – what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
  11. Stephen Fry - argument: “nicest man in the world… on Twitter, you know… new series about taxis… new series about animals… new series of QI… really clever…” counter-argument: big, bent nose, Oxbridge
  12. Lady GaGa – yeah. We get it. You’re sexy. Now fuck off.
  13. Cheap toilet paper - seriously though, who wants to economise that badly that they’ll withstand poo-fingers?
  14. People not rating the Beatles – “Hey! Look at me – I’m so contrarian and out there with my crazy opinions. I love McDonald’s though, so don’t go trying to pigeonhole me – I’m waaaay too clever for that.”
  15. Pierce Brosnan – who’s called Pierce anyway?
  16. Seas – not as good as oceans and who can even point to them on a map?
  17. Hypercars – stop rubbing my face in it. At least I’m not stupid enough to have gold taps.
  18. Gio Compario – shit. Just shit.
  19. Yahtzee - didn’t understand it 20 years ago. Don’t understand it now.
  20. Chocolate Rich Tea – not everything goes with chocolate, numbnuts.
  21. Newsround - no John Craven? Bad but understandable. Endless stream of cutesy stories about surfing cats, lobsters that can do algebra, squirrels on ice? Destroying the backbone of our nation.
  22. “X is the new Y” – where X=something unlikely and Y= something I don’t care about.
  23. Myself for writing this list