Apropos of nothing: 23 Things That Boil My Piss
- US healthcare reforms. I don’t care – I’m not in the USA. I don’t plan on being in the USA. So who gives a crap if they can’t get free heart operations. They could have a life expectancy of 110 – it still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t own a car.
- Premature conker retrieval - conker season is still a week or two away. Stop knocking them out of the tree early and spoiling it for the rest of us.
- Hentai tentacle rape – when I signed up for the internet, I don’t remember agreeing to see 8 year old girls getting raped by octopodes in cartoon form.
- Steve Jobs’ liver transplant - my grandad had a liver transplant. Big fucking deal. He had a black polo neck too.
- People complaining about people saying “soccer” instead of “football”. OK. We get it. Americans are stupid. Haha.
- People complaining about people complaining about people saying “soccer” instead of “football” – how fucking lame would that be?
- Goths – meh
- David Hasselhoff – was into him years ago. Long, long before he went mainstream. Now? Get off my telly.
- Planet’s Funniest Animals – not as funny as, say, Les Dawson.
- Steve Penk – what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
- Stephen Fry - argument: “nicest man in the world… on Twitter, you know… new series about taxis… new series about animals… new series of QI… really clever…” counter-argument: big, bent nose, Oxbridge
- Lady GaGa – yeah. We get it. You’re sexy. Now fuck off.
- Cheap toilet paper - seriously though, who wants to economise that badly that they’ll withstand poo-fingers?
- People not rating the Beatles – “Hey! Look at me – I’m so contrarian and out there with my crazy opinions. I love McDonald’s though, so don’t go trying to pigeonhole me – I’m waaaay too clever for that.”
- Pierce Brosnan – who’s called Pierce anyway?
- Seas – not as good as oceans and who can even point to them on a map?
- Hypercars – stop rubbing my face in it. At least I’m not stupid enough to have gold taps.
- Gio Compario – shit. Just shit.
- Yahtzee - didn’t understand it 20 years ago. Don’t understand it now.
- Chocolate Rich Tea – not everything goes with chocolate, numbnuts.
- Newsround - no John Craven? Bad but understandable. Endless stream of cutesy stories about surfing cats, lobsters that can do algebra, squirrels on ice? Destroying the backbone of our nation.
- “X is the new Y” – where X=something unlikely and Y= something I don’t care about.
- Myself for writing this list
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Cheap toilet paper also burns your ass and makes it itchy, its just not worth it!
I see you are having a good Monday.
*keeps out of Paul’s way*
It’s interesting that people who do like the Beatles automatically assume that people who don’t are just trying to be controversial and edgy.
Now, you know me, I love being controversial and edgy, but that’s got nothing to do with me not liking the Fab Four (TM). I don’t like Coldplay either, but expressing this sentiment is somehow culturally acceptable. I don’t think any artist is beyond criticism, and I don’t see why it’s not OK to think the Beatles were overrated.
I’d do one of these lists but the internet isn’t big enough to fit it on.
Oh yeah and I was not liking the Beatles WAY before all the kids got into it. Bandwagon jumpers.
Ha! I can’t get around that, can I?
I take your point about The Beatles – and I’m no fan of sacred cows myself. I don’t mind people who dislike the Beatles… it’s people who don’t rate The Beatles.
There’s just a particular kind of person who won’t acknowledge that they basically Got There First in almost any sphere you care to name (haircuts, production tricks, drugs, ‘musical differences’, Japanese chicks). I don’t mind fair criticism – or even sheer prejudice – just Those People Who Are Being Cunts About The Whole Thing. Amongst whose number I don’t count you, fortunately for our life as married couple.
Also, Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.
24. People getting it wrong about Derren Brown. The trick is clearly not over yet.
#25 – the way Robert Peston says “is” in the middle of sentence.
Basically, I think Derren owns you, Evison. But that’s OK – he owns me too.
he does providing that lottery trick isn’t over. if that’s it he can go and fuck himself with my incessant evangalising.
#26 Graduates from the University of Bedfordshire (or similar) who can’t find jobs, making the news. Like they somehow deserve one immediatley for being so well educated. Fuck off, and yes I will have fries with that thank you.
How can you even think of putting chocolate rich tea’s in that list? The chocolate is only there so that the dunk can last longer without biscuit breakage